you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
