I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
