I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
