the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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