All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
