I am spending my child support on dildos
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
