Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have already put on my inside pants.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
