Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
