Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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