I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Operation Purity has been aborted
it's great music for shaving your balls
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize