she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
