all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
