I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
