Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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