hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
