They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
