god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
