you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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