I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
