she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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