his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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