we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
