Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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