I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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