i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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