my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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