I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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