Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
