I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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