I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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