I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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