I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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