I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
