watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
