On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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