Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
