DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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