Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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