I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
