Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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