I puked a lego.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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