I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
NoShamevember. You game?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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