I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
