remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
