I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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