So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We had sex on a dog bed..
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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