he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i think i have two assholes
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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