I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I faked an abortion last night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
