dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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