i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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