I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
