peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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