I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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