Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
