the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
