Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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