I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
