That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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